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  • jasminkhafagi

The Struggles in a Silent Meditation Retreat

Self-Observation and self-inquiry. Look inward to truly see what’s going on outside.

One of the things I realized during the #hridaya silent meditation retreat is that I judge people more than I have thought - especially the ones that I don’t know and maybe see for the first time.

I project an image onto them, but as soon as I get to know the person, my prejudice vanishes and I usually realise that my assumptions were wrong.

During these days of silence in the retreat you don‘t get to know people, you are not supposed to communicate in any way with one another, not even looking someone in the eyes. So, I basically had 10 days of making up fake stories for the people that sit and walk in my vicinity - wonderfully funny, because this was exactly what I absolutely disliked on other people: being judgemental and superficial. When I hear some shallow statements it makes me want to vomit - but ups, am I actually any different? Why did I „hate“ on people that made these assumptions openly? Not only because it is not a nice thing to do, but because this was a trait that I absolutely disliked about myself - without being fully conscious of it.

It doesn’t matter if I have „good“ or „bad“ intentions with „my“ prejudice. Prejudice is prejudice and drags me away from reality, and from having an open heart.

Thankfully these 10 days in stillness gave me the chance to become aware of these thought-patterns. But deconditioning is a process (as my teacher says). First you need to acknowledge your stuff, and then the real work begins.

The most interesting question now is: If I don’t want to have these thoughts, why are they popping up? Who is creating these thoughts and who doesn’t want to have them? Who am I?

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